OOOKra!

Happy Saturday!
It is still cold here, but nothing like the last two days. The sun is shining and we might actually get into the 50's today! Still a great day to sit for a few minutes with a cup of coffee though.
While the boys are out trying to tame Lance's mane I thought I would check in and share my favorite thing Lance is doing this week.

Monday night or so we had him swinging in his new swing and he ended up taking a tumble out and scratched his back on a box left over from Christmas decorations. (Yes, we were a little behind.) It looked like it was going to be pretty painful and started swelling so I grabbed the quickest cold pack I could...frozen okra. At the time he was crying and fighting the cold touching his back. When he calmed down a bit he became very interested in the 'cold pack.' We showed it to him and explained that it was okra. Since then he has randomly called out "Oookra" when he gets really excited. I'd love to know what that translates as in Lance language, but it must be something good. :o)

On the subject of communication, Lance has started back with a picture book (PECS) to help others know what he is trying to say. He is pretty proficient with it. That gives me hope for his future communication/comprehension even if he is unable to speak as clearly as we would hope.

Back in the swing of things

Good Evening! Today has been a great day. Actually, the past week has been fabulous with Lance. He is opening up and I can not wait to spend more time with him each day. He is making an effort to be around us, communicate and play. That may sound like a simple thing, but for John Michael and me, it is HUGE. Lance has been known to want to spend hours by himself, not wanting to interact, and it was really starting to take it's toll on us. In fact, Christmas eve I had a heart-to-heart with God while taking a walk. I pleaded for Lance to show interest in life around him. I also asked God to open my eyes to all the talents and gifts Lance possesses. He has completely changed our relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. It wasn't overnight- but what...6 days instead. I believe more than anything, I am able to see how truly amazing Lance is now. He, in turn, can sense my passion for him. Please don't take that the wrong way, I have always loved Lance and wanted to be around him, but frustrated by things I couldn't change. We pray daily for him, his health and development, but maybe I needed to truly be on my knees and not trying to control the situation.

Our time at home is a blast now! It became more apparent today. I took him to school after a long Christmas break. Typically Lance LOVES school and asks to go daily. So, I thought he was going to be ecstatic today. Also, he never cries when we leave him with people. We arrived at school, went to his classroom, opened the door and the flood gate opened. He clung to me, crying "no, no, no, mama". I can not explain how my heart was breaking and somewhat rejoicing at the same time. I did consider taking him back with me, but realized that would not be a very good idea. (They called 30 min later and reported he was doing well.) Needless to say I was chomping at the bit to pick him up today. Then this afternoon/evening was a ball. I am posting a few pictures so you can share a little of the joy.

JM was standing half way in Lance's tunnel and I was pushing Lance with the swing around his torso. We fixed it so that Lance was swinging into the tunnel to his daddy. I think he would have asked to swing all night.

Once taken out of the swing he jumped onto his horse. He literally rocked himself to sleep on his horse. So much so that we took this picture with a flash and he didn't flinch. The funniest part is his little body was still moving back-n-forth about a centimeter at a time. What a great time!!

The new addition

Here is Lance's new cuddle swing that JM was able to hang through the attic. Lance was just chillin' out and enjoying the ride. We are so happy that we finally have this much needed piece of equipment for Lance. The last few months have been a little sluggish for him, but I have a good feeling about the coming year. I think we all are turning a new leaf. I was able to get a few things done for him today that I have been meaning to do for some time. We had a fabulous day! Seriously, it was probably the best day I have had in a long time. There was a lot that went into it, but God really surrounded me in his glory today. Thank you Father.

Running through the fields

Merry Christmas everyone...just a little late. And Happy New Year! I hope each of you has many things to be thankful for.

We were able to go home (Texas) for Christmas and see both sides of the family. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly the romantic relaxing trip for which we had hoped. John Michael's mother had bronchitis, John Michael, my mother, father, aunt, and cousin all came down with the stomach virus, Lance and my niece both had a cold. Fun, huh? Ha! Well, I think everyone is doing pretty good now and we all lived. One thing I truly wish we had more of during the holidays is adult time with good conversation. We get so busy taking care of the kids and running about that we don't get to talk to each other about what is important. Then the holidays are over and we feel like we did not even see each other. Not to mention, even more saddening is that Jesus' birth gets lost, too, even with the Christmas Eve services and manger scenes. Anyone else feel that way? Sorry, I am not trying to be a downer. I just would love to spend more time with the ones I love and find out what is going on in their world.

I did get to talk to one of my aunts on the phone for a little bit. My aunt and uncle lost their daughter, Laura, at the age of 17 in an automobile accident. They know real loss. They have been a beautiful example of leaning on Christ and using their tragedy to help others. I wanted to share something she shared with me. After Laura passed away, a friend of my aunt and uncle sent them a note. This particular lady had lost three children in separate events. I can not even imagine the pain that family must have gone through, so her words mean a lot to me. Her note said, "Some people take the long road to heaven, others run through the fields."
I love that picture. What a way to get to our Daddy in heaven. Skip a lot of heartache and troubles and run through the fields. Yes, for us, we miss them. Yes, we wish they could experience the joyous things we are blessed with, but does it even get close to the joy they feel right now? No way.

I know that all of my sadness is purely selfish. Autumn is very happy partying with Jesus. ha! It is all the things WE didn't get to experience that make us sad. Most of the time we get through the day well. However, it is really hard for me on other days when people seem to forget the pain we are feeling. Not that I want to be babied because that doesn't help either. I just am not ready to listen to others talk about how much fun it is to decorate the baby's room, feel the baby kick or how much fun it is to have a baby. At the same time, when we hear people complain about their pregnancy or taking care of their baby we want them to realize how blessed they are to have the opportunity. John Michael and I REALLY want each of you to enjoy your pregnancies (there are many friends of ours who are pregnant who might be reading this). We love you. I want to know that you are happy and healthy. Please just forgive me for not being able to listen to all the details right now. Emotionally, I just can't handle it yet.

As some of you may have noticed, I added a link to another blog...Bring the Rain. Thank you Kate for sharing this blog with me. To get the whole story of the blog you have to start from the beginning. The lady's story starts very similar to ours. Unfortunately, her struggle goes on for much longer than ours did. But her words are amazing and such an inspiration. Her faith is unbelievable. It is happy and encouraging. Please check it out. One warning though, it was really hard for me to stop reading once I started.

I want to leave you with this picture of my youngest beautiful neice and my baby (dog) Maddie. Charlotte loved to follow Maddie, sit with her or better yet, sit on her. :o)

In the swing of things...

Looks like we are back into the normal day to day activities at the Hairston household. Everyone has gone back to work, we are cooking dinner again (hee hee), and trying to be 'normal.' I know for me at least, I can absorb myself in what I am doing at work and kind of forget our past several months temporarily. Don't get me wrong. I don't really want to fully forget, just not to hurt all the time. As I mentioned before, God has truly given us an overwhelming sense of peace through these times. I would say 75% of the time I can talk about Autumn and what happened without attaching all the emotions to the conversation. I have had several people that I am not around often ask how the baby is or if I know the sex of the baby yet and I have been able to handle it. Part of it is because I have pepped myself up for these situations and I think God has helped me see that these people already feel bad enough by asking without me falling into a heap on the floor. I do have to say, you have to love working with kids. I am not being sarcastic when I say that. Today I had one of the kiddo's I work with said, "My mom won't let me talk about the baby." Ha, such innocence.

For me, talking to John Michael, praying, and journaling have been extremely healing. That way I am still able to think/talk about Autumn without driving people crazy all the time. It is amazing how often I think about her or the pregnancy. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find enough time to write all that I want to in the journal. It is as though I am afraid I will forget about Autumn or all the special details of these days. There have been many things that have warmed my heart. Most of the time, people who do or say them probably don't even realize they have made such a huge impact on me. Of course, I probably cry to half of the songs on the radio right now too. ha!

Well, I don't know why I felt like I should write all of this, but I guess I felt like I needed to add an update. We are doing pretty good, really. Just every once in a while something will hit me when I'm not even expecting it. I can not wait to go home for Christmas, though. It just makes me happy to think about it. Only a couple more days! We will be with John Michael's family the first half of the holidays and then my family the second half. I pray that it will be a relaxing and joy filled time with loved ones. I also pray that Lance can sense the excitement of Christmas. I can not wait until he can comprehend what we are celebrating!...the birth of our Lord and Savior!

For now I am going to call it a night. Lance was up most of the night last night. You know what that means...I may have slept three hours. Goodnight!

Autumn Faith

It has been six days since we first were told that we lost our precious baby at 22 weeks. We arrived at the hospital at 9:30pm on Sunday night and found out around 10:30 that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. She was delivered at 3:30 the next afternoon. Her name is Autumn Faith. My mind wants to tell the story and how we feel but honestly I don’t know where to start.

As mentioned before there were warning signs. The amniotic fluid was extremely low for two consecutive level II ultrasounds and her growth was delayed. We had done some research on the condition and knew that the outlook was not great. The most optimistic review had given her less than a 20% chance of survival. We had been discussing all our emotions about the situation with God for a couple of weeks. We had come to Him confused, shocked, sad, angry, broken, and finally trusting. We knew that God was not responsible for what was happening. Although He had the ability to fix the problem or keep Autumn alive it might not be what is best. Unfortunately our baby was stolen from us, but our heavenly Father knows her, knows us and knows our pain.

For a few days prior to the loss of Autumn I had been having very unusual feelings. Nothing physical, but very emotional and felt like something was not right. Saturday night I read suggestions on what to do if you have a miscarriage to help you overcome it best. Oddly enough, I was being prepared. So as heart-broken as I was Sunday, I was not surprised. I had held on to the hope that she would make it and defy all reasoning, but it didn’t happen.

Immediately I felt such love from those around me (excluding the ultrasound tech). The nurses, doctors, friends, family and above all my husband…At that point the hardest thing for me was to see the pain he was in. I know I have said it before, but I can not say it enough…John Michael is truly an angel that I have been blessed with. He knows me like no one else and loves me unconditionally. He is the one that I can go to and know that he will understand even when I don’t say anything. He took over and called close family members and friends. He took the texts and phone calls when I couldn’t even though he had to deal with the tragedy too.

(From John Michael): It is only fair that I say a few words of endearment about Karen since she so kindly expressed her feelings of me. It really blew my mind how prepared she was the whole time. She was honestly always a step ahead. “In tune with her body” are words I have used a lot lately. Maybe this is not that uncommon with women, but from the beginning Karen has had the mysterious women’s intuition thing working strong. And as far as being strong Sunday night and into Monday, it was no contest. She was the one who barely got any sleep in the hospital and stayed focused and determined throughout the whole process. She could have done what I did….I couldn’t have done what she did.

For both of us our hardest day was Wednesday. I guess that is when it all started sinking in the most. But then we went to lunch in a restaurant owned by a couple in our church and they asked if they could pray for us in the back. We left the restaurant feeling restored and lifted, truly.

It has been an amazing ride this past week. Although we were faced with unfamiliar circumstances and decisions, we feel an assurance with the path we chose because it was based on faith and brought before God. As tragic as the situation is, we have had a peace that only God could provide. He continues to carry us and love on us through faithful friends and family. He has also continues to show us love through our amazing son. Lance continues to be happy and full of life. There are times when it still seems unreal, other times when we feel complete acceptance of the situation, and other times when our hearts ache and there are no words for it.

For those who don’t know what to say to people in our situation, please relax. We know you care by just saying you are there for us. Please don’t feel like you need to offer suggestions or advice unless you have been there and know what helped you. And even though it is a natural tendency to want to comfort with “Everything happens for a reason” sometimes that just isn’t what people who are hurting want to hear. I know it sounds hypocritical when we say it, but it takes time to come to that place. Some of the words that comforted us the most were, “I don’t know what to say but I am here for you.”

By the way, the autopsy results have come back and they feel that the cause of Autumn’s death is placental abruption. They found that she had no genetic defects and was perfectly formed other than being delayed. So, it looks like there should be no impact on future pregnancies. I do have to say she was beautiful!

Again thank you to all of you who have been such a source of strength…friends, family, church, nurses, doctors and Mary at the hospital. You ALL are amazing! God is using each of you and time to heal our wounds. We just hope our scars that will never completely disappear will be able to help others in the future.

Sisters' Cruise!

Just the three of us

Cabo San Lucas

Well don't have much time to go into all the details right now because I am exhausted. Ha, don't know how that is possible from lying around all day. Anyway, I was able to go on a cruise with my two sisters a couple of weeks ago. It was a blast and a wonderful time of relaxation. Just wanted to share a couple of pictures from the cruise. Unfortunately, one of my sisters who had most of the pictures lost her camera when she took her kids trick-or-treating. Yikes! So, we lost a lot of the pictures. I will hang on to these and remember the good times, though.

I absolutely love being around my family and did greatly miss them; however, I highly suggest a sisters' trip to anyone who has one or a girls' trip. It is great to get away, be silly, and bond for a while when you normally don't have the time to. Thanks to the friends and family who urged me to go and thanks to John Michael who did not complain about holding down the fort without me for a week.